Articles

Fifty (Almost) Years of Marriage   By Barbara Fox Tomorrow is our fiftieth wedding anniversary but my husband isn’t here to celebrate it with me. He died in May after fighting a really good fight against diabetes, congenital heart failure, a foot amputation and a myriad of other medical problems.  Damn it, he was supposed to make it to our anniversary, he intended to and he promised me that he would. We had so many problems the past nine years,...

Father's Day...   By Chuck DeKlyenwebmaster@griefwatch.com   This month families all over will be gathering to celebrate Fathers Day.  Families might meet for a BBQ, maybe go camping or even just pay a visit to spend time with their fathers.  For many of us lucky enough to still have our fathers in our life this can seem like just another commercial holiday.  But what about those whose father is no longer with them?  Father’s Day can be just another cruel...

Family Gatherings in Times of Grief   By Pat Schwiebert, R.N.pat@tearsoup.com  There are times in our grief where we can do nothing but brace ourselves against the storm of pain and bitterness.  We have just enough energy to survive the day and no more.  And then finally, as the storm begins to be more predictable or we’ve released ourselves from the fear that it will consume us, we turn and face ourselves into the wind.  We feel energized rather than...

Experiencing Life's Harsh Boundaries   By Rev John T. Schwiebert, ThMjohn@tearsoup.com     “This Is Enough for You!” I am indebted to Rabbi Maurice D. Harris for pointing out these words, spoken by God to Moses in the Book of Deuteronomy (Deut. 3:26)  (see Harris’ excellent book, Moses, a Stranger Among Us). The words (a translation of the Hebrew words  rav lach) are spoken in the context of Moses’ grief because of his not being allowed to cross over into...

Even the Hard Stuff   By Pat Schwiebert, R.N.pat@tearsoup.com     Last night at our support group one of the parents spoke of Father’s Day and how their family decided they wanted to do something special, but something that didn’t include being around people.  After a bit of research, a hike in a very remote site was decided upon, a place where it was highly unlikely that they would bump into other hikers.  So off they went.  It was hard. ...

Embracing Loss   By John T. Schwiebert, ThMjohn@metanoiaumc.org     The Hebrew Scriptures tell a poignant story about how King David responded when he was told of the death of his infant child: David rose from the ground [where he had lain all night, fasting and praying that his son would survive a serious illness], washed, anointed himself, and changed his clothes.  He went into the house of the LORD, and worshiped; he then went to his own house, and when...

Disillusionment and Other Minor Losses   By Rev John T. Schwiebert, ThMjohn@metanoiaumc.org     In the 1970’s, many of us became aware of the dynamics of personal grief for the first time, as Elisabeth  Kübler-Ross and others helped us  recognize, in our own experiences of loss, several stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. In the late 1990’s, in the book Tear Soup, we were helped to see that grief is not only an experience that issues from profound...

By Pat Schwiebert, R.N.pat@tearsoup.com     Dear Mom, You’ve been dead two years now.  Seems like long enough.  I don’t feel anything but love for you now.  All the tension and anger and resentment and embarrassment are gone.  You can come back now. I’ve re-created you into the mother I always wanted—and that you always wanted to be.  I know you always wanted to be a good mother. You often asked me if you were.  Don’t worry.  You still can’t...

Dear Mom   By Pat Schwiebert, R.N.pat@tearsoup.com     Last July,2012 in the article It’s Never Too Late I wrote about wondering what it would be like when my mother died.  We had a complicated relationship and bringing her into our living community of 8 other people hasn’t been easy.   I never experienced that uncomplicated relationship with her till the last week of her life, which ended on August 28, 2013.  This has not been easy to write.  The words...

Cutting Losses   By John T. Schwiebert, ThMjohn@metanoiaumc.org     Human beings have invented multiple ways to avoid or postpone grief.  These ways mostly involve denial that a loss has occurred or will occur shortly. The process typically begins in childhood.  Two children play a game and one loses.  But it is hard for the loser to accept the fact of her loss or the brief episode of grief that is sure to follow.  So the loser makes a proposal, “Let’s...

Conspiracy of Silence   By Pat Schwiebert, R.N.pat@tearsoup.com     You can’t judge a book by its cover.  So it goes that you can’t really tell how someone who is grieving  is doing by looking at how they appear in public.  People may look good, but they can still be in deep grief. The conspiracy of silence runs deep in our general public, but it runs just as deep in the grieving community.  This is how we tend to think...

Communal Grief   By John T. Schwiebert, MDivjohn@metanoiaumc.org     “he . . . kept his head down, not wanting them to see the shadow of grief he knew showed on his face. You don’t want to burden folks with your own pain.  It isn’t fair, his mother had once told him, and he had never forgotten it.” I ran across these words in a paperback novel I was reading last month, and two thoughts immediately occurred to me. My first...