Articles

Even the Hard Stuff   By Pat Schwiebert, R.N.pat@tearsoup.com     Last night at our support group one of the parents spoke of Father’s Day and how their family decided they wanted to do something special, but something that didn’t include being around people.  After a bit of research, a hike in a very remote site was decided upon, a place where it was highly unlikely that they would bump into other hikers.  So off they went.  It was hard. ...

Embracing Loss   By John T. Schwiebert, ThMjohn@metanoiaumc.org     The Hebrew Scriptures tell a poignant story about how King David responded when he was told of the death of his infant child: David rose from the ground [where he had lain all night, fasting and praying that his son would survive a serious illness], washed, anointed himself, and changed his clothes.  He went into the house of the LORD, and worshiped; he then went to his own house, and when...

Disillusionment and Other Minor Losses   By Rev John T. Schwiebert, ThMjohn@metanoiaumc.org     In the 1970’s, many of us became aware of the dynamics of personal grief for the first time, as Elisabeth  Kübler-Ross and others helped us  recognize, in our own experiences of loss, several stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. In the late 1990’s, in the book Tear Soup, we were helped to see that grief is not only an experience that issues from profound...

By Pat Schwiebert, R.N.pat@tearsoup.com     Dear Mom, You’ve been dead two years now.  Seems like long enough.  I don’t feel anything but love for you now.  All the tension and anger and resentment and embarrassment are gone.  You can come back now. I’ve re-created you into the mother I always wanted—and that you always wanted to be.  I know you always wanted to be a good mother. You often asked me if you were.  Don’t worry.  You still can’t...

Dear Mom   By Pat Schwiebert, R.N.pat@tearsoup.com     Last July,2012 in the article It’s Never Too Late I wrote about wondering what it would be like when my mother died.  We had a complicated relationship and bringing her into our living community of 8 other people hasn’t been easy.   I never experienced that uncomplicated relationship with her till the last week of her life, which ended on August 28, 2013.  This has not been easy to write.  The words...

Cutting Losses   By John T. Schwiebert, ThMjohn@metanoiaumc.org     Human beings have invented multiple ways to avoid or postpone grief.  These ways mostly involve denial that a loss has occurred or will occur shortly. The process typically begins in childhood.  Two children play a game and one loses.  But it is hard for the loser to accept the fact of her loss or the brief episode of grief that is sure to follow.  So the loser makes a proposal, “Let’s...

Conspiracy of Silence   By Pat Schwiebert, R.N.pat@tearsoup.com     You can’t judge a book by its cover.  So it goes that you can’t really tell how someone who is grieving  is doing by looking at how they appear in public.  People may look good, but they can still be in deep grief. The conspiracy of silence runs deep in our general public, but it runs just as deep in the grieving community.  This is how we tend to think...

Communal Grief   By John T. Schwiebert, MDivjohn@metanoiaumc.org     “he . . . kept his head down, not wanting them to see the shadow of grief he knew showed on his face. You don’t want to burden folks with your own pain.  It isn’t fair, his mother had once told him, and he had never forgotten it.” I ran across these words in a paperback novel I was reading last month, and two thoughts immediately occurred to me. My first...

Comfort and Joy   By Rev John T. Schwiebert, MDivjohn@metanoiaumc.org     When one of my favorite comedians, Stephen Colbert, was interviewed recently on television by Oprah Winfrey, I learned some things about Mr. Colbert that I had not known before, including his experience with a tragic loss. The youngest of 11 children, he was only 10 years old when his father and two older brothers, ages 15 and 18 were killed in the crash of a commercial airliner in...

Change   By Pat Schwiebert, R.N.pat@tearsoup.com   My neighbor was delighted in her new life after her husband of 55 years died.  I was a bit surprised.  Most people don’t respond in that way.  It always seemed this lovely pair were joined at the hip and enjoyed each other’s company more than anyone else’s.  She didn’t like it when friends tried to tell her how hard it was going to be for her to live without her mate.  She thought...

Bits of Crazy   By Donna Rothert, PhDhttp://seeingthestrals.com/     Grief seems at first to destroy not just all patterns, but also to destroy a belief that a pattern exists.  –Julian Barnes It’s so curious: one can resist tears and ‘behave’ very well in the hardest hours of grief. But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from...

Because They Are No More   By Rev John T. Schwiebert, ThMjohn@metanoiaumc.org     In a less than pleasant part of the story of Jesus birth and infancy we encounter the deep grief of parents whose infant boys were killed by King Herod in his frantic attempt to do away with the infant Jesus (Matthew 2:16-18).  The grief of the mothers especially is recalled in a poignant verse from the book of Jeremiah that recalls an earlier bitter fruit of...