A day for mom....except this one

Borrowed from Nine Months and still Counting
http://ninemonthsandcounting.typepad.com

Finally today is drawing to an end. I got through it, but barely.

The one thing that became obvious to me today was that I'm missing out on so many things. My morning started fine. I was headed to the store to get some things for brunch as I was having my family over. That peaceful day I was hoping for came to an end when the cashier said "I didn't think I would see a single woman in the store today".......... Well that's lovely because I can certainly tell you that I would prefer to be in bed with my one year old as my fiancee cooks me breakfast in bed for my first mothers day. You bet I would. Unfortunately my kid passed away and now I don't have one to celebrate with.

Then it started to really hit me, so then I got bitchy. I didn't want to be around anyone yet I still had to entertain. Pretend everything was fine. Two people said Happy Mother's day to me. None of which were Jason. I know that he feels bad for not getting me anything and I tried to say that it wasn't a big deal but days like this are important to me. It's a day to acknowledge a mom regardless of having living kids or not. It's a  day to say "Hey I appreciate you and all that you do" a day to make the mamma feel special and I didn't feel like that at all today. Instead I was grumpy, tired and unappreciated. Not to mention the missing link...Spencer.

I then learnt that all the mom's from our birth and babies group got together and went to the spa. That made me sad, because I sure liked our group and have become friends with a few of them. I wanted and still want to be a part of that group to bond and get to know them all. But I'm not invited and I completely understand why, but I just wish things weren't this way. So again I was reminded of what I'm missing out on, what parts of my life are non existent because they passed away with my son.

I just so badly wanted to be a mom, I still want to be a mom and on today of all days I'm truly reminded of that desire. It's a deep down need and want on the inner most innerness of my womanly parts. I've said this before and I will say it again there is nothing more cruel than to have your child die before you do. To come into this world without a scream. And now I still have to wait to hear a baby cry and celebrate a day about me instead of being sad and unhappy and lonely.

I wish I could make this post happy and send all my well wishes to the moms that do have living babies, but I just can't. I'm not filled with warm fuzzies and happiness for everyone. I can't find it within myself to be happy for everyone else today. And I know that I should, but I just can't.

Borrowed from Nine Months and still Counting
http://ninemonthsandcounting.typepad.com