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IN THIS ISSUE YOU WILL FIND:
From The Director Of Grief Watch
Thoughts Along The Way
Welcoming Grief
New Book Release
Reader Submission
New grief Resource
Helpful Links & Websites
Comments & Suggestions
Unsubscribe Information
FROM THE DIRECTOR OF GRIEF WATCH
Pat Schwiebert, R.N. – Executive Director
Having been raised in a society of rugged individualists and deniers of death, we are all pretty accomplished at skirting the painful issues in our lives. We look for superficial things that we can change and rearrange, hoping to fix our problems without having to get too personally involved. Rather than surrender to grief and experience its pain, we choose to move to a new place, get drunk, get our hair cut, or engage in what some are calling “retail therapy:” buying some big-ticket item or a closet full of new clothes. These are all quick fixes, attempts at instant satisfaction with a minimum of personal investment. Plus, we don’t need to depend on anyone else for help. We can take care of ourselves.
More often than not, this kind of behavior keeps one from having to deal with the more intangible aspects of grief. In actuality, all these quick fixes are not solving the problem at all, but only sidestepping it. The only real solution is to come face-to-face with the raw truth – that what has happened in your life is not something you can fix. There is nothing you can do to bring your loved one back. You just want to feel better, of course, and that’s not a terrible thing to want. But it won’t happen until you’ve gone through a season of unavoidable suffering.
Barely getting through tomorrow: what a concept! If you’re a pessimist, this may mean expecting barely to survive a day at a time, assuming that each new day will be at least as difficult as the previous one. If you’re an optimist, you may put up with today’s suffering, believing that tomorrow things will automatically get better. Both of those approaches have their limitations.
The pessimistic view assumes you can’t do anything to help yourself. And yet, while you cannot restore the one you have lost, you can learn some coping skills that will help you make the most of today, and possibly even help you feel better.
The optimistic view assumes that you’ll be fine and dandy, that time alone will heal, that if you are patient and don’t let sorrow bring you down, time will do its magic. But what if this is the best it gets? What if the rosy tomorrow you are waiting for brings some new tragedy? For instance, what if you never get to have a baby of your own, or never marry again after the death of your spouse (if that’s what “getting better” means for you)? Optimists, too, can benefit from learning and using some new coping skills.
Each of us has been given a life, but only one day at a time. God must have known that we couldn’t handle our life all at once, or that we’d chicken out if we knew there were rough times ahead. It helps if you can just stay in the here and now, concentrating just on today, or even just the next hour. Don’t try to get through tomorrow until tomorrow.
Things that can help
Coping mechanisms are what w4e do, whether consciously or unconsciously to help ourselves get through a situation. These are things we do in a crisis in order to stay in balance. At first, coping mechanisms just help us to survive, but further down the road, they can also help us to heal.
Coping mechanisms can be good or bad, depending on when or how they are used. In an acute situation, you may use denial in order to get through the immediate crisis. Your body is unable to absorb the enormity of the loss all at once, so denial protects you until you are ready to face the tragedy. Depending on your personality, you may become very task oriented, or you may withdraw from the commotion so you can concentrate better.
Below is a list of suggested coping mechanisms that are commonly used to get through tough times. Each of them can be constructive, but each of them is also potentially destructive if done in excess.
Crying
Being alone
Keeping busy
Being with friends
Denying your loss
Minimizing your loss
Working
Taking a vacation
Sleeping
Laughing
Drinking alcohol
Writing
Eating
Exercising
Playing
Talking
Praying
Helping others
Shopping
Joining a group(s)
Acquiring new friends
Taking medication
It is obvious how some of these suggestions could be harmful if done in excess, but you may be wondering how others of these coping skills could ever possibly be unhealthy. A rule of thumb to help you discern their use or abuse is the purpose of its use. You may be engaging in a particular activity so you don’t have to deal with your own pain. That may be okay occasionally so you can take a break from your grief, but if it’s done as an escape, you need to challenge your reasoning. For instance, you know that talking about your pain is one of the best things you can do to help resolve grief. Yet if you talk incessantly so that you don’t allow an opportunity to be alone with yourself, or if you are just parroting what you heard from others, then you need to question the value of this mechanism. Acquiring new friends is another behavior you need to be cautious about. Concerned that your old friends may not understand or accept you in your bereavement, you may be tempted to reject them forever and surround yourself only with people like yourself – other bereaved parents. Right now you may be Mary Jones, bereaved parent. But hopefully, through your healing you will become Mary Jones, wife, mother, friend, nurse (etc.), who also happens to be a bereaved parent.
- Pat
Questions or comments? Contact the author Pat Schwiebert R.N. at mailto:pat@tearsoup.com
THOUGHTS ALONG THE WAY
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“The circumstances of your life do not dictate its outcome. You do.” |
To learn more about Thoughts Along The Way please visit :
http://www.griefwatch.com/pl/plinfo/thoughts.htm
WELCOMING GRIEF
By Rev. John T. Schwiebert
My brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of any kind, consider it nothing but joy, because you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance; and let endurance have its full effect, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking in nothing.
--James 1: 2-4
I am not convinced that God ever directly and deliberately inflicts the pain we experience in grief. I am skeptical whenever anyone claims that the suffering or death of any person is “God’s will.” I strongly suspect that God “weeps with us” as we grieve, identifying with us in our pain as only a true friend can, and perhaps even wishing that it could somehow have been avoided.
And yet, having said this, I find great wisdom in the words from the New Testament Letter of James quoted above.
James invites us to do something that is very counter-intuitive and seemingly impossible: to embrace and even welcome the most painful of our experiences, including, we can presume, the devastating grief we feel after deep personal loss. James uses the strongest possible language, inviting us to “consider it nothing but joy” that we are having to endure such suffering.
His suggestion is not as odd as it might seem at first. He is not, after all, counseling us to go looking for opportunities to feel pain, as if pain had some kind of intrinsic value. He is only counseling us to adopt a strategy for facing the pain when it comes, as surely it will for most of us. And his strategy is not to dwell on the pain as unfair, unfortunate, or undesirable (though it may be all of these!) but to regard the endurance of such pain as a gift that is already contributing to our personal and social development.
It helps, in our hours of deepest grief, to be able to say, “As hard as this experience is, I will get through it. It may not be easy, but I will be stronger and more mature for having embraced this grief and mastered it. I will even see if I can find a measure of joy in this experience--not joy that removes the sorrow I am also feeling, but joy that comes in realizing that God’s love is seeing me through this and every time of sorrow.”
The trials we face in this way can thus be seen not as trials that God deliberately devises and puts us through, but as trials we chose to engage as we face the difficult circumstances that come to us on their own. We choose to welcome these difficult circumstances, rather than to resist them, because we know that such trials strengthen us and contribute to our growing maturity as human beings.
Questions or comments? Please contact the author
Rev. John Schwiebert at mailto:john@tearsoup.com
To learn more about Metanoia Peace Community Please Visit Our Website at -
http://www.griefwatch.com/metanoia
| New
Book By A Grieving Father |
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Heart Works -
A Father's Grief
By Jerre Petersen
“Heart Works” is a beautiful, full-color coffee-table book filled with the photographs and writings of a father as he travels through the grief of his daughter’s death. This book is his therapy. He pairs his own photographs with meditations on grief-related words, taking time to explore his journey. Through his experiences, we learn what grief really is.
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The gentle words and breathtaking photographs in this book will warm any heart. A book into which the author pours his very heart and soul, "Heart Works" explores the paralyzing depths of grief, the awesome power of love and the light of hope from a man's perspective. However, whether a man or a woman, you will find comfort in these writings. This book is written by a father and speaks of his love for his daughter and the ways in which her death has changed him. This is a book for all, not only the bereaved, because it allows one to consider their own lives, their loves, their disappointments and heartaches. This book will embrace you.
"Heart Works" is available in both hardbound & softbound editions.
For more info or to purchase a copy of this beautiful book please visit:
http://www.griefwatch.com/pl/plinfo/heartworks.htm
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READER SUBMISSION
That Don't Look Like Grandma
By Sandy Goodman
When I was asked to compose an article about kids and grief, my pompous ego spoke up instantly with You can't. Never one to argue with that soft, still voice in my head, I readily agreed that I couldn't. After all, I usually only write about what I myself have experienced, and small children were never a part of my grieving. Jeremy was 22 when Jason died and Joshua was 18. I felt unqualified and incapable of telling others what they should say or do to help a bereaved child.
However, it is now three weeks later and I am feeling the need to write. I tapped out a few lines about grief triggers, a couple paragraphs about sudden versus anticipated loss, and a title for a piece about the first six months of bereavement. None of it felt right because my heart wants me to address that which I have avoided. Since that which we resist, persists, I see only one way out of this dilemma. I am going to talk with you about what I believe when it comes to talking with kids about death and dying and all that goes with it. But allow me to preface this with my own admission that what I am going to say we should do is not what I did.
Kids are more intuitive, more loving, and more compassionate than adults. But when a death occurs in a child's life, we haul out the blindfolds and earplugs. We allow them to watch violent murders on television (because it's NOT REAL), but we shelter them from deaths that occur in their lives. We fear they are not mature enough to understand, but I am here to tell you that maturity alone does not make death understandable.
I want to address this issue proactively, not reactively. Rather than looking at how to help a grieving child, I'd like to discuss how we can better help children understand death. What can we do, as parents and as human beings, to take away the fear and hopelessness that surrounds death? How can we give our children a different perception of death so that when they have their first experience of loss, they will have our shared wisdom to wrap themselves in?
If I had it to do all over again, I would have talked to my children about who we really are and explained over and over again that we are not our bodies. When they were very small, I would have questioned them about the place they came from, and listened more intently when they played with their "imaginary" friends. I would have told them bedtime stories about angels and guides, and taught them early to listen to the voice that whispered to their heart. I would have discussed feeling rather than thinking, and assured them that love is constant, never ending, and much more powerful than fear.
If I could go back in time, I would raise my children to know that death is not an end. I would explain what I believe happens when one's body wears out or is damaged beyond repair. We would have talked about being met by Grandpa Joe or Aunt Gladys, and about white light and all of the exquisite colors we don't have here in the physical. We would have talked about the unconditional love and unending laughter in the next place and I would have shared experiences that validate death as simply another stage of life.
When Grandma died, we would have all attended the services, not just the adults, because we would not have gone with the intention of saying goodbye. We would have gone to celebrate the life she had shared with us. When one of the boys would have inevitably remarked, "That don't look like Grandma..." I would have said, "It isn't." Then, I would have explained that the Grandma they loved was free of her body, happy, and closer to them than she had ever been before. I would have told them they could still talk to her, and I would have listened to them when they spoke of her visiting them in their dreams.
If I had a chance to do it all over again, I would have stood at my son's side as he left his 18-year-old body behind, breathing in his fear and breathing out pure unconditional love. I would have told him to fly free and to never doubt my belief that even in death, love remains. And lastly, I would have realized from the moment I looked into my first child's eyes that our children are not given to us to "own," but come so that each of us can know love. I would have known that they are never really "ours," and that they may not stay as long as we hope. And understanding all of this, I would have done it all anyway, because the joy of the journey is so much more then the pain of an illusory loss.
I began this article with the intention of assisting in the never-ending job of parenting. I end it with this. Your children will give you more than you can ever hope to give back. Listen, come from love, and accept. They come bearing gifts, you need only hold out your hand.
Sandy Goodman is the author of Love Never Dies: A Mother’s Journey from Loss to Love (Jodere Group, 2002), and the founder and chapter leader of the Wind River Chapter of The Compassionate Friends. In May 2003, Sandy will lead a workshop at the Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors (TAPS) Conference in Washington D.C.
Website: http://www.loveneverdies.net/
email: mailto:sandy@trib.com
NEW GRIEF RESOURCE
The Grief Digest
A new, reader-friendly magazine which includes the best writers and speakers in the field of bereavement. Included are interesting articles on coping and dealing with grief, help for the caregiver and most of all, the usual quality and support you expect from your Centering family. Add to that a tremendous editing job by former Bereavement Magazine publisher Andrea Gambill and you have a quarterly support group at your fingertips.
Grief Digest Contributors Include:
Eloise Cole, Christine Dernederlanden, Deirdre Felton, Andrea Gambill, Tom Golden, Earl Grollman, Joy Johnson, Pat Loder, Doug Manning, Jack and Fran Munday, Pat Schwiebert, Darcie Sims, Elaine Stillwell,
Alan Wolfelt, Nan Zastrow
To order subscriptions visit http://griefdigest.com/
For subscriptions by mail, send your subscription info to
the Centering Corporation. Quarterly subscription begins July 2003.
Centering Corporation
PO Box 4600, Omaha, NE 68104
Phone: 402-553-1200 / Fax: 402-553-0507
FUN STORY
Ice Cream
Last week I took my children to a restaurant. My six-year-old son asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good. God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Mom gets us ice cream for dessert. And Liberty and justice for all! Amen!"
Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice-cream! Why, I never!
Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?" As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.
He winked at my son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."
"Really?" my son asked.
"Cross my heart," the man replied.
Then in a theatrical whisper he added (indicating the woman whose
remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."
Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the meal. My son stared at his for a moment and then did something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes; and my soul is good already."
Author Unknown
HELPFUL LINKS - For Parents And Professionals
National SHARE Office:
http://www.nationalshareoffice.com/
The National SHARE Office is a non-profit organization and the hub for all SHARE support groups around the country. If you are looking for an infant loss support group or the local SHARE group in your area, this is a good place to start. Site also has good information regarding parents’ rights and grief education.
Grief Net:
http://www.griefnet.org
An Internet community of persons
dealing with grief, death, and major loss.
Site has several email support groups and monitors several
websites. Their companion site,
http://www.kidsaid.com provides
a safe environment for kids and their parents to find information
and ask questions.
The Centering Corporation:
http://www.centering.org
The Centering Corporation has a large online and mail order selection of bereavement titles and resources for your family.
For more bereavement sites and grief links please visit our Helpful Links Page at
http://www.griefwatch.com/links.htm
Tear Soup is one of the most helpful recipes for you and your family. Find out
why, http://www.griefwatch.com/tearsoup/tshome.htm
Want to learn more about Grief Watch? Please visit our website http://www.Griefwatch.com
COMMENTS & SUGGESTIONS
Do you have an article, idea or suggestion for our newsletter? Our online community grows and becomes inspired everyday by your input. Please send your submissions or comments to
mailto:webmaster@tearsoup.com
This newsletter is the creation of Metanoia Peace Community-Grief Watch, Portland, Oregon. USA. The articles contained within are subject to all copyright
restrictions and are the property Grief Watch or their perspective
owners. If you would like to share this newsletter with others please do so. If you would like to reprint a portion of this newsletter for your organization or publications, please contact Chuck DeKlyen
mailto:webmaster@griefwatch.com
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