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IN THIS ISSUE YOU WILL FIND:
From The Director Of Grief Watch
Thoughts Along The Way
Helpful
Product – Feeling Hearts
We Shall See What Comes Of It
Parent Submission – “Where The Soul Lives”
Tear Soup Tips – Grandy’s Cooking Tips
Pregnancy And Infant Loss Remembrance Day
Poem - “Saying Goodbye”
Helpful Links & Websites
Comments & Suggestions
Unsubscribe
Information
FROM THE DIRECTOR OF GRIEFWATCH
Pat Schwiebert, R.N. – Executive Director
Facing The Wind
There are times in your grief where you can do nothing but brace yourself against the storm of pain and bitterness. You have just enough energy to survive the day and no more. And then finally, as the storm begins to be more predictable or you have released yourself from the fear that it will consume you, you turn and face yourself into the wind. You feel energized rather than depleted by the challenge that this tragedy has brought to your life. Morning has been all night coming, but surely it comes.
There is a strength that comes from accepting what has happened in your life and responding to it. And it’s an act of courage to go headlong into grief, where you can see what’s coming toward you and say “yes” to it. Saying “yes” does not necessarily imply that you like what you see or what you get. You didn’t choose for your life to be disrupted in this way. But your saying “yes” to the experience depletes the negative power that would otherwise exert itself over you.
You have learned that no matter what you do you cannot change what happened.
It would be easy to get stuck in the “ain’t-it-awful” pit. No one would blame you. It would be easy to become cynical and say, “Sure I learned a lot: not to expect anything, not to trust anyone, not to care.” The choice is always yours. You can choose to become an angry and bitter person, or you can open yourself to all of your life, learning and growing from all of your experiences.
To cope with the death of a child or someone very dear to you, you will probably need to summon inner resources that you never had to call on before. But they are there when you need them, inactive when you didn’t need them, but available now to help you through.
When you move from asking the “why” questions to asking the “how” questions you have turned the corner and reclaimed your life. You are no longer a helpless victim searching for a reason this terrible thing happened. You are now motivated to discover “how” you can cope with the situation.
How can you help yourself feel better? How can you keep the memory of your loved one in a healthy perspective?
This has been a hard won education. The new insights you have gained may not have been welcomed early in the mourning process and perhaps can only be absorbed after you have some distance from the intense anguish of grief.
Whenever there are shadows in front of us it’s because we have our back to the light. When we turn and face the light the shadows will go away.
Questions or comments? Contact the author Pat Schwiebert R.N. at mailto:pat@tearsoup.com
THOUGHTS ALONG THE WAY
" God must have realized that humans need to be connected with the past;
so we were given memories."
To learn more about Thoughts Along The Way please visit :
http://www.griefwatch.com/pl/plinfo/thoughts.htm
| HELPFUL
PRODUCT: Feeling Hearts |
| Feeling
Hearts |
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Each soft drawstring bag contains 20
small ceramic hearts of varying textures and colors
designed to provide an opportunity to express emotion.
Created especially for situations of grief and loss, the
Feeling Hearts prompt us to use our tactile senses to
help us "feel" instead of trying to
"think" our way to healing.
An example of how the feeling hearts were used:
Last Saturday I was leading a group at church and I
wanted a way to open our group that would make our
“check in” time meaningful. I passed around my bag
of feeling hearts and invited people to take one. I then
asked them to talk about the heart they chose. (Some
people said the heart actually chose them.) All
twenty-three men and women without prompting, spoke
about how their heart matched a fear, hope, or attitude
they were experiencing in their own life. Each story was
unique and each person revealed a depth of feelings that
we had never heard before. It was so easy. And our
sharing went to new depths.
To learn more about the Feeling Hearts please visit:
http://www.griefwatch.com/pl/plinfo/feeling%20hearts.htm
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We Shall See What
Comes Of It
By the Rev. John T. Schwiebert
There is a wise old Chinese tale about a farmer whose son captures a
wild horse. A neighbor looks upon this as good fortune and exclaims,
“Isn’t this wonderful!” But the farmer says only, “We shall
see what comes of it.” As the boy tries to tame the wild horse, he
is thrown to the ground and breaks a leg. The neighbor laments,
“Isn’t that terrible!” but the farmer says only, “We shall
see what comes of it.” The Emperor’s men come to town and force
all the young men, except the injured son, to go off and face death
in the latest war. The neighbor rejoices, “Isn’t it fortunate!
And the old man says, “We shall see what comes of it.”
In his approach to both pleasant and unpleasant realities, this wise
farmer has something to teach each one of us who has suffered the
loss of a loved one through death, divorce, or any other cause. In
his wisdom he chooses simply to acknowledge and accept the reality
of every situation and experience, and I suppose to feel whatever
deep feelings are naturally associated with that experience, without
giving in to the impulse to categorize the experience as only good
or only bad.
Of course, the loss of a loved one is always hard for us to bear.
But in the larger picture no loss is ever necessarily and forever a
“bad” thing, in any ultimate sense. I have attended memorial
services filled with great joy and thanksgiving, even as the
participants celebrated a young life, prematurely ended. Instead of
obsessing about the wrongfulness of the death (and it may well have
been wrong or unfair), the participants focused their attention on
the person’s life and its beauty, marveled at the graciousness of
God as it shown forth in that person’s brief span of time on this
earth, and thought about how they might follow that person’s
example in their own lives. The death, however untimely, brought out
the best in other people and was, at least in this one aspect, not a
bad thing.
In the New Testament, John the Baptist is imprisoned and later
assassinated for his political views. Not a good thing! And yet
John’s death is at least one of the factors in Jesus’ decision
to begin his public ministry. A very good thing!
But we probably should be equally cautious about assuming that a
loss is always a good thing. Death, divorce, and other disruptions
can bring difficulties from which it will take a long time to
recover. In such cases a palliative generalizations like
“everything is for the best” or “it’s all a part of God’s
plan” are not only unhelpful, but also untrue.
In truth, loss is neither absolutely good nor absolutely bad. It
just is! And when we deal with loss, as all of us will at some time
or other, the challenge for us will be to not put a value judgment
on the experience, but simply to let it be as it unfolds, and to
“see what comes of it” as we move through the grief and beyond
it into a new place.
Questions or comments? Please contact the author
Rev. John Schwiebert at mailto:john@tearsoup.com
PARENT SUBMISSION
Where The Soul Lives
by Marti Talbott
Thirty-six years ago, when I was carrying my first child, Doctors
didn't know as much as they do today about Eclampsia, a potentially
deadly condition during pregnancy. By the time my Doctor discovered
it, I was in my ninth month and gaining a pound a day. If he was
alarmed it wasn't apparent and when he casually suggested we induce
labor, I was thrilled. Little did I know labor would take four long
days and include convulsions and a coma.
Even in the hospital eating only salt free food, I continued to gain
weight and was nearly 80 pounds heavier than on my wedding day. My
ankles were as thick as my upper arms and my face was abnormally
puffy. Two days into the induction, my Doctor took to sleeping in
the room next to mine, a simply courtesy I thought, since this was
his first full pregnancy since Medical School.
The convulsions began on the forth day when my contractions finally
intensified. I was young, it was my first child and I found all that
shaking more annoying than frightening. Besides, as the contraction
subsided, so did the convulsion. Then suddenly, everything stopped.
It was not sleep, for one is not aware during sleep. Of this place,
I was completely aware, yet it was not a place of discomfort. It was
neither dark nor light, cold nor warm, sad nor happy. I heard no
voices, saw nothing and felt no pain. There was no stench of death,
no sense of touch and I did not float above my bed. Â I did not see
God, as others would have us believe, nor did a trap door open
dropping me to into hell.
I might have pondered my situation, examining it more fully had I
the simple ability to think, but this was truly a place of
nothingness. I did not sense the passing of time, worry about my
unborn child or mourn the separation from loved ones. I did not
hunger or thirst, feel my Mother's hand in mine, and although I was
completely alone, I was not afraid.
I was in a place where only the soul lives.
Four hours later, I awoke to the sounds of busy nurses, noticed the
colorless face of my Doctor, wondered at the tears in my Mother's
eyes and marveled at a Nun standing in a far corner mumbling prayers
since I am Baptist, not Catholic.
My child was born healthy, but not before three more hours of
contractions and convulsions. My unstrapped legs bounced in the
stirrups, my hands jerked and my exhaustion nearly overcame me. And
between pains when I begged my Doctor to make it stop, I discovered
he was shaking as badly as I.
Now I have six grandchildren and every once in a while I vividly
remember that place where the soul lives. I have no explanation, no
great words of wisdom, nor do I know the technical term what
happened. But I do know this: Even without the mind and the body,
the soul lives.
Marti Talbott, Author of: "A Shattered City - Earthquake in
Seattle"
For More Information about “ A Shattered City” Please Visit:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0970928629/qid%3D991091346/102-2159
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TEAR SOUP,
a recipe for healing
after
loss |
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Grandy's Cooking Tips
Grandy’s Recipe For Tear Soup
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1) Grief is the process you go
through as you adjust to the
loss of anything or anyone important in
your life.
2) The loss of a job, a move, divorce, death of someone you
love, or a change in health status are
just a few of the
situations that can cause grief.
3) Grief is both physically and emotionally exhausting. It
is
also irrational and unpredictable and can
shake your very
foundation. |
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4) The amount of
“work” your grief requires will depend on your life
experiences, the type of loss,
and whatever else you have on your plate
at that time.
5) A sudden, unexpected loss is usually more traumatic, more
disruptive and requires more time
to adjust to.
6) If your loss occurred through violence, expect that all
the normal grief reactions will be
exaggerated.
7) You may lose trust in your own ability to make decisions
and/or to trust others.
8) Assumptions about fairness, life order, and religious
beliefs are often challenged.
9) Smells can bring back memories of a loss and a fresh wave
of grief.
10) Seasons, with their colors and climate, can also take
you back to that moment in time when
your world stood still.
11) You may sense you have no control in your life.
12) Being at work may provide a relief from your grief, but
as soon as you get in the car and start
driving home you may find
your grief come flooding back.
13) You may find that you are incapable of functioning in
the work environment for a short while.
14) Because grief is distracting it also means you are more
accident-prone.
15) The object of grieving is not to get over the loss or
recover from the loss but to get through the
loss.
16) Over the years you will look back and discover that this
grief keeps teaching you new things
about life. Your
understanding of life will just keep going deeper.
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Tear Soup - Copyright Grief Watch 2001
Please Note:
Reprinted from Tear Soup, a recipe for healing after loss.
If you would like to share this recipe with others or include it in a support group or
newsletter, please include the following byline:
Tear Soup, a recipe for healing after loss
Copyright Grief Watch 1999
By Pat Schwiebert & Chuck DeKlyen
Illustrated by Taylor Bills
Home Page: http://www.tearsoup.com
email: mailto:info@tearsoup.com
Read More Of Grandy’s Tear Soup Tips.
Please visit http://www.griefwatch.com/tearsoup/tstips.htm
To learn more about Tear Soup please visit http://www.tearsoup.com/tearsoup/tsabout.htm
Pregnancy And Infant Loss
Remembrance Day
Support, Education and Awareness
By Lisa Brown
Founder – WE HOPE
In October 1988, President Ronald Reagan Proclaimed October as
National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. "When a
child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse
loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When
parents lose their child, there isn't a word to describe them. This
month recognizes the loss so many parents experience across the
United States and around the world. It is also meant to inform and
provide resources for parents who have lost children due to
miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, stillbirths, birth
defects, SIDS, and other causes."
- Blue Mountain Arts, www.1.bluemountainarts.com
Robyn Bear, founder of www.pain-heartache-hope.com
envisioned a day when all grieving parents could come together and
be surrounded by love and support from their friends and families, a
day where the community could better understand their pain and learn
how to reach out to those grieving. This would be a day to reflect
on the loss yet embrace the love. While our babies lives where so
brief, they were also very meaningful. Yet, there was not a time to
talk about them. Our society seemed to forget or perhaps, simply
didn't know how to reach out. Since October had been proclaimed
"Awareness Month", she chose a day, in the middle of the
month to become, "Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance
Day". It was a bold step that Robyn took and I will forever be
grateful that she shared her idea with me.
Although I had no idea how to start, I was ready to help in any way
possible. By October 15, 2000, seven states had proclamations from
their governors for "Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance
Day." We asked everyone to light a candle at 7pm in their time
zone, having a special time and ceremony to remember.
Our movement really grew when Tammy Novak, founder of Angel Babies
Forever Loved, Inc. joined our effort. The 3 of us realized we could
achieve so much more if we pooled our resources. We wrote to
friends, other support groups, and then some, looking for a resident
from each state that was interested in helping us. "Support,
Education and Awareness for parents grieving due to the loss of a
baby, at any age." That was our starting point. We soon
developed our mission statement and goals.
Last year, 48 state governors in a form of a proclamation recognized
October 15th as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. The
United States House of Representatives passed H.Res. 254, supporting
the goals of this day.
Robyn Bear was contacted by the Assistant Attorney General for
President Bush, Viet D. Dinh in August of 2001. She was commended on
behalf of the President for the time and energy she has given
"on behalf of families across the nation who have had to endure
the grief of losing an infant." In his letter he promised that,
"This administration is committed to examining ways to assist
families that have suffered such a loss. Further, this
administration is dedicated to improving science and technology to
help decrease the rate of miscarriages and infant mortality in this
country." He also wanted to assure her that her
"suggestion for a National Pregnancy and Infant Loss
Remembrance Day will be given due consideration."
In order to make this a National Day of Remembrance, Remembering Our
Babies is looking for support, in the form of a letter, to present
to Congress showing them how as a bereavement community we are all
working together to help grieving families. Having letters from
established support organizations will help give more consideration
for our request for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.
Though Robyn Bear, Tammy Novak and I founded this day, it is a day
for everyone. We are not seeking ownership or credit, nor do we want
to reinvent any work anyone else has done. We want to network,
direct parents to where they can find the right support for their
needs. By showing Congress all of the organizations that are
dedicated to this cause, the fact that we are all working together
and that we can all benefit from this awareness, we should have a
strong case for why this day of remembrance is so vital.
To quote Richard Olsen of the National Stillbirth Society,
"National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day is an idea
whose time has come. As a nation we stand transfixed like deer in
the headlights as the news media report on the deadly toll from the
latest grizzly crash, shooting, explosion, or other calamity de jure.
What they don't tell us - perhaps because it is no longer news but
should be - is that every year over 26,000 babies past 20 weeks
gestation are stillborn. Add to this number a like number of infant
deaths, and factor in the staggering number of pregnancy losses due
to miscarriage and one begins to grasp the enormity of the suffering
endured by America's mothers in silence and relative
obscurity."
On behalf of my colleagues, our many assistants and families not
just nationwide but worldwide, I hope you will take the opportunity
to visit "Remembering Our Babies", http://www.pregnancyandinfantloss.com
and help us help each other in having this day recognized by all.
By Lisa Brown
Mommy to Taylor on earth
Mommy to Little One and Jackson in heaven
Founder WeHOPE - http://www.wehope.cc/
POEM –
SAYING GOODBYE
We have to say goodbye.
Goodbye Amy. Goodbye my little baby girl.
Squeeze my finger one last time.
I can barely reach you.
I can’t see all of you.
My legs are still numb.
You are only a few hours old.
But we have to say goodbye.
Poor Amy. Poor little baby girl.
We came to see you one last time.
We have to say goodbye.
They said your nose wasn’t right.
Your eyes are not as they should be.
Your ears are too low, your forehead too high.
Some extra skin between your fingers and toes.
You are not normal, they say.
I am scared to see you.
I do not know you yet.
I do not know if I could love you.
And now I have to say goodbye.
They are bringing me to say goodbye to you.
I don’t even know you yet.
They put you in my arms and the world fades.
Time stops.
Your heart beats next to mine.
There are many doctors and nurses standing by, breathing life into
you.
I see only you.
I do not cry.
You are my baby and I love you.
You are so pretty.
How could they mislead me so?
You have curly blonde hair and such a pretty face.
Your blue eyes are open.
You are beautiful.
There is a bright light.
Someone is taking pictures.
I try to shield your eyes.
I don’t want them to hurt you.
Can you see me? Can you hear me?
I love you Amy, I say.
I know you can feel my heart beating.
I hope you are comforted.
It feels so right to have you next to me.
I am at peace.
I want to stay this way forever.
I want to hold you forever.
But we have to say goodbye.
Poor Amy. Poor little baby girl.
You deserved a better life than this.
I’m sorry Amy.
I wanted everything to be ok for you.
You are so pretty.
We love you Amy.
But we have to say goodbye.
They bring you back to me for a final farewell.
You look so nice without the tubes and wires.
I kiss your soft head and hold you close to me.
I know you are gone.
But I still need to hold you.
You are so pretty.
We love you so much.
But we have to say goodbye.
How can we bury you here?
We have not made a home here.
There is no family here.
You deserve a special place.
We will take you to Maine.
Your Daddy’s family is there.
It is a beautiful place, a special place.
You deserve a good home.
We go to the cemetery here.
We are picking up your ashes.
The cemetery is like a park.
It is a more painful place now.
All those names.
Someone mourned for every one.
So much pain.
Your name is on the register.
Amy Martin.
You were a real person and we loved you.
They hand us a cardboard box.
This is all that remains.
I am so sad.
I think you deserve better.
Through my tears I make a pretty cover for the box.
I sew your name on.
I sew flowers in the corners.
I am not good at this.
My flowers are lopsided uneven asymmetrical.
They are not perfect.
But they are pretty all the same.
Just like Amy.
You were not perfect. But you were so pretty.
We loved you Amy.
Mom brings a white basket for the box.
She lines it with pretty pink cloth.
We place the box in the basket.
It feels right to make you something pretty.
We have done all we can for you, Amy.
We bring the basket to the cemetery in Maine.
The stone is there waiting.
It will be there always, so we can remember you.
Amy Martin
June 23, 1990
There is a simple flower on the stone.
Your grandparents picked it out for you.
We stand with the priest at the grave.
Amy’s parents and grandparents, her great-
grandmother, too.
We are saying goodbye.
We love you Amy.
Goodbye Amy.
The others are heading back.
We have to say goodbye.
I turn to look one last time.
Amy Martin
June 23, 1990
It’s time to say goodbye.
I turn to join the others as they walk away.
I can see the lake, the green hills,
the house where your grandfather was born.
The sun is shining on this special place.
You have a good home now.
Goodbye Amy.
We will remember you always.
From the booklet
"I Remember Amy" - A special booklet from a bereaved
mother’s heart By Beth Fagerson
Copyright Perinatal Loss 1993
To learn more about this title please visit:
http://www.griefwatch.com/pl/plinfo/amy.htm
HELPFUL LINKS - For Parents And Professionals
MISS Foundation
http://www.missfoundation.org
A nonprofit organization providing immediate and ongoing support to
grieving families, helping them to empower themselves by proactive
community involvement and volunteerism.
We HOPE - Help Other Parents Endure
http://www.wehope.cc/
A Website dedicated to education and Awareness for pregnancy and
infant loss. Created by parents to help parents.
Remembering Our Babies
http://www.pregnancyandinfantloss.com/
Remembering Our Babies is the official site of Pregnancy and Infant
Loss Remembrance Day, October 15th. You can find information on the
remembrance day as well as how to support the nation wide
legislation and letter drive.
National SHARE Office:
http://www.nationalshareoffice.com/
The National SHARE Office is a non-profit organization and the hub for all SHARE
support groups around the country. If you are looking for an infant loss support group
or the local SHARE group in your area, this is a good place to start. Site also has
good information regarding parents’ rights and grief education.
A Place To Remember:
http://www.aplacetoremember.com/
Site includes a page for sharing, a remembrance book page, and a catalogue of
products on-line. Site also includes a resource section.
The Centering Corporation:
http://www.centering.org
The Centering Corporation has a large online and mail order selection of bereavement
titles and resources for your family.
Web Healing Discussion Page
http://www.webhealing.com/cgi-bin/main.pl
Tom Golden’s Web Healing site offers an online discussion board for grief topics as
well as a comprehensive bereavement links page.
For more bereavement sites and grief links please visit our Helpful Links Page at
http://www.griefwatch.com/links.htm
Tear Soup is one of the most helpful recipes for you and your family.
Find out why. http://www.griefwatch.com/tearsoup/tshome.htm
Want to learn more about Grief Watch?
Please visit our website http://www.Griefwatch.com
COMMENTS & SUGGESTIONS
Do you have an article, idea or suggestion for our newsletter? Our online community grows and becomes inspired everyday by your input. Please send your submissions or comments to
mailto:webmaster@tearsoup.com
This newsletter is the creation of Metanoia Peace Community-Grief Watch, Portland, Oregon. USA. The articles contained within are subject to all copyright
restrictions and are the property Grief Watch or their perspective
owners. If you would like to share this newsletter with others please do so. If you would like to reprint a portion of this newsletter for your organization or publications, please contact Chuck DeKlyen
mailto:webmaster@griefwatch.com
for permissions. Thank you.
Grief
Watch never sells or rents the names that it collects from it's
mailing lists.
Questions? See our privacy policy.
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