In this issue you will find:

	How Grief Can Affect A Marriage.
	Thoughts Along The Way
	Parent Submission – “And Then There Are Dragonflies”
	Tear Soup Tips – Grandy’s Tear Soup Recipe
	Grieving Parents Seek Answers
	Poetry
	Book Review – “How Can I Help, Papa?”
	Helpful Links & Websites
	Comments & Suggestions

HOW GRIEF CAN AFFECT A MARRIAGE
By Pat Schwiebert, R.N. – Executive Director

The same kind of character that is used in the Chinese language to signify crisis is also used to express both opportunity and danger. Most couples who have experienced the death of their child have also experienced a crisis in their marriage as a result. For some this untimely difficulty has become a rich opportunity for growth bringing the two closer together. But for others the death of their child has been the beginning of the end of their marriage. A widely held belief that a bereaved couple is doomed to divorce is overly pessimistic and needs to be challenged. A more realistic approach is one that acknowledges the danger signs but also recognizes the enormous opportunities for growth.

Each person grieves in his or her own unique way. This is true even for two parents who are grieving the loss of the same child. It is not uncommon, however, for one partner to evaluate the other partner’s grieving process based on his or her own style of grieving. He wants her to behave just like he does, and vice versa. If she cries, she thinks he should cry. If he doesn’t want to talk he thinks she shouldn’t need to talk either. 

Behind this pressure to conform is the subtle assumption that one partner’s grief will be validated by the behavior of the other partner. In truth, however, how one will most naturally respond to grief, as a man or as a woman, is conditioned by other factors: one’s individual personality, one’s previous experiences, the cultural role one has inherited from parents, and the unique relationship one has had with the one who died.

Dealing with the grief factor in a relationship is like driving a car with only one cylinder working. Because grief is both physically and emotionally exhausting some people admit they just don’t have the energy to care enough to make their marriage work. That doesn’t mean the love is gone, only the energy. But know this as grieving partners: Your marriage not only can survive but thrive if both of you are willing to make your relationship a priority during this difficult time.

Below are some dangers to watch for:

Be aware of any tendency to want to inflict on to your partner the hurt that you are feeling. It is not uncommon for persons who hurt to do hurtful things, even to those they love. Misery loves company and you may find yourself wanting to make sure your partner is suffering as much as you are, by means of sarcastic comments, harmful accusations, and emotional withdrawal as a means of punishment. Be aware that, in those times when you feel empty and without love to spare, you can be pretty ugly and most unbearable to live with. Give your partner a break!

Don’t expect your partner to be your sole source of emotional support. To do so is not only unfair, but also unwise. Allow some distance between the two of you at times so you don’t drag your partner into your pit of gloom on those really bad days. Because men in particular tend to express grief for a shorter period of time than their partners (note that I said express, not experience), some tend to get impatient if they have to face a sullen partner day after day.

Sometimes enlist others to listen when you need to express your feelings. Talking about your loss with others helps to take the edge off the stress build up, which then helps in your overall relationship with your partner. It also allows your partner some distance from your pain, which sometimes is good for both of you.

Keep a list of names and phone numbers of other persons that you can call on short notice.

When you and your partner can’t talk with each other because the pain is too great, write notes to each other.

Look for ways that you can please your partner or at least ease some of your partner’s pain.

None of these suggestions is necessarily easy when you are already dealing with how hard it is to even get up in the morning, or make a decision about what to eat for breakfast. To do what you need to do in a relationship requires the desire to be in touch with how your own grief affects others. It will also help if you have the willingness to see this experience in your life as an opportunity to learn something new about how your partner experiences life in the sad times as well as the good times . 

Questions or comments? Contact the author 
Pat Schwiebert R.N. at pat@tearsoup.com  

THOUGHTS ALONG THE WAY

     “Never give up the opportunity to keep your mouth shut”

To learn more about Thoughts Along The Way please visit 
http://www.griefwatch.com/pl/plinfo/thoughts.htm 

PARENT SUBMISSION – 

AND THEN THERE ARE DRAGONFLIES. 
By Jerre Peterson

Jerre’s 12-year-old daughter, Audrey died April 5, 2000, a month after being diagnosed with a brain tumor. 
     Part of Jerre’s healing comes through putting his experiences since Audrey’s death to print.)

And then there are dragonflies.

Many of the wonderful signs I believe I've been given by Audrey are perhaps to let me know she is ok. Is heaven a place where we go where we can be anything we want? Is heaven a place where all those that leave the earth meet and share their experiences, their loves, their dreams? Have some of these little messages been delivered to me by the dragonflies? 

Not long after Audrey was gone, I would say within 4 weeks of her passing, I started to dig. I started to excavate my backyard with shovel in hand. I know while I dug the time seemed not to hurt so painfully so I kept on digging. I was going to dig myself to the center of the earth. I don’t know, maybe subconsciously I was digging my way to hell to see if this is where indeed the Devil lay. Surely the Devil had a lot to do with the death of my child. Instead I dug a hole some 60 feet long 4 feet wide and 3 feet deep.

Before too long this hole became the liner of one of the most beautiful projects I had ever created. It turn out to be 2 Koi ponds, and the first inhabitants were Audrey’s aquarium fish. Surely she would love looking down from the heavens and she would enjoy admiring her beautiful fish swimming freely in such a beautiful creation. And surely she would love knowing I was taking care of her fish with all the love and protection I once gave her. 

Over several months I moved 50 PLUS yards of earth and hauled in several thousand pounds of cobblestone and slate, I learned how to plumb and how to electrify. I read books on masonry, plumbing, and Koi fish and learned how to care for these fish in the harshest of seasons. Nothing was going to stop me from building a home for Audrey’s fish, a home that would allow them to live their lives to the fullest. Before summer ended and the project was finished I had created two attaching ponds. I did this so that if one pond became contaminated I could transport the fish into the other while I treated the sick one. I created a water fall that would trickle into both ponds and a pump system that would allow them both to maintain equal water levels, yet give them both a beautiful look and sustain them both with life giving oxygen. Surely someone was lending me a hand from the heavens. 

These two ponds started to harvest frogs on their own and Audrey’s fish were growing faster then anyone could imagine. I started to plant water plants throughout them and even they were multiplying faster than I could give them away. The water hyacinths during this first summer grew literally several thousand plants. Weekly I transported two hundred plants at a time down to my golf club where the owners let me fill the ponds around the sixth and ninth greens. The growth in these ponds alone was becoming quite a chore, but I loved it because the work kept me busy and my mind occupied.

During the summer I came home one day early from the office and my wife was having a sad afternoon recalling some of the summer days she and Audrey spent together. When I arrived home she was sitting in the backyard with my youngest daughter staring into the pond with her eyes glassed over. Obviously she had been crying. We talked as I reached over into the pond to flip the leaf of a lilly pad onto its proper side, when all of a sudden a dragonfly landed on the outside palm of my hand. In an amazing few seconds I thanked the dragonfly for coming to visit and it even allowed me to softly brush its tiny wings, then I gently blew on her wings and thanked Audrey for the visit and asked her of she would return soon. The dragonfly then flew away gracefully. Julie, Cherie and I had a quiet conversation on the possibilities of this ever happening again, and whether or not it might have been Audrey herself visiting us to remove some of the sorrow we were having. Then within an hour this beautiful blue green dragonfly returned again, this time landing on the lilly pad I had been working on earlier. And again, she let me gently brush her wings. I swear this had to be one of the most special moments in my entire life. I knew without any doubt in my mind that this indeed was a gift from the heavens. But something as strange as this, we had doubt, who wouldn’t? 

Later that evening I drove to Home Depot for some plumbing supplies. There at the corner where I needed to turn into the lot was a white van. On the back of the van was a sticker of a green leaf that sort of looked like a maple leaf, and there on the leaf was the dragonfly again. I arrived home later and spoke with my family regarding the incident and the dragonfly being now many miles from home. It was indeed special to us.

The next evening my youngest daughter wanted to go to the golf course and hit some golf balls. I thought it would be a good idea to get out, so we went off and there on the range as we were hitting golf balls, Cherie, my 7yr old yells out in her screechy little voice “Dad, she is back.” And sure enough, 24 hours later, this dragonfly was back and flying around Cherie and me.

Later that same evening, a friend that I had not seen in several years came over to greet us. As we stood there talking face to face I heard this buzzing right next to my ear. David, my friend in all his amazement said to me that there was a dragonfly hovering next to my ear. Cherie and I just looked at each other and laughed and wondered.

A few weeks later I was invited to play in the Ronald McDonald House golf tournament, “Brian’s Bash”, with the host being from the Portland Trailblazers. This had to be the most significant day of all the dragonfly sightings. I was playing with one of Oregon’s premier amateurs, Denny Taylor, and Bill Shonley, the former voice of the Blazers, along with a team member from my golf club. I was asked about my daughter’s illness and that led to my sharing with them the amazing stories of the dragonfly. As I told the story they sat in their cart next to ours and it was apparent I was losing their attention when all of a sudden, the man sitting next to me in the cart was overcome with amazement when he notices the green blue dragonfly that landed on my knee and sat there for the remainder of the story. 

One evening, as the summer was about to end Cherie and I went out to the club to play a few holes and just for fun, drive the cart around. As we drove around the course that evening our dragonfly followed us the complete distance. 

Never before in my life have I experienced so many sightings of these beautiful creatures as I have since Audrey’s death. Dragonflies now have become a large part of our lives and whenever one appears, I simply say, “Hello my beautiful Audrey. “

P.S. – Audrey’s fish survived all of Oregon’s changing weather and are the most beautiful of all the fish we have added since creating the ponds. Currently our ponds house over forty beautiful Koi and more are expected. We have been honored to watch our fish this past summer give birth to their babies. The weather in Oregon leaves the water a murky brown through the winter months so I am eagerly awaiting spring and cleaning out the silt to see how they have grown. 

U R Loved,  Jerre.

TEAR SOUP TIPS FROM GRANDY -
Grandy’s Recipe For Tear Soup

Helpful ingredients to consider

	A pot full of tears
	One heart willing to be broken open
	A dash of bitters
	A bunch of good friends
	Many handfuls of comfort food
	A lot of patience
	Buckets of water to replace the tears
	Plenty of exercise
	A variety of helpful reading material
	Enough self care
	Season with memories
	Optional: one good therapist and/or support group

Directions:

Choose the size pot that fits your loss. It’s okay to increase pot size if you miscalculated. Combine ingredients. Set the temperature for a moderate heat. Cooking times will vary depending on the ingredients needed. Strong flavors will mellow over time. Stir often. Cook no longer than you need to.

Suggestions:

	Be creative
	Trust your instincts
	Cry when you want to, laugh when you can
	Freeze some to use as a starter next time
	Keep your own soup making journal so you won’t forget

Recipe Serves One

Copyright Grief Watch 2001

Please Note:
Reprinted from Tear Soup, a recipe for healing after loss.  If you would like to share this recipe with others or include it in a support group or newsletter, please include the following byline:

Tear Soup, a recipe for healing after loss
Copyright Grief Watch 1999
By Pat Schwiebert & Chuck DeKlyen
Illustrated by Taylor Bills
Home Page: http://www.tearsoup.com 
email: info@tearsoup.com  

Read More Of Grandy’s Tear Soup Tips Online. 
Please visit http://www.griefwatch.com/tearsoup/tstips.htm  
To learn more about Tear Soup please visit http://www.tearsoup.com 

GRIEVING PARENTS SEEK ANSWERS -
By Rev. John T. Schwiebert

Recently I received a letter from a man whose son completed suicide some 20 years ago. He was trying to reconcile two conflicting messages he had received from the leaders of his church. On the one hand he was assured that God loved his son; on the other hand it was obvious that many of his fellow church members believed that his son was burning in hell because of what he did.

He was looking for some theological conversation with someone who was willing to struggle with this issue without on the one hand condemning his son, nor on the other hand merely dismissing what the Bible says about hell as outdated religious superstition. He specifically mentioned that mere psychological counseling had not helped him because he was dealing with spiritual questions that his counselors seemed ill-equipped to address.

I am sharing below my response to his letter in the hope that it may help other people of faith who may be wrestling with similar issues. In my response I have tried to work from within the theological framework of the man who wrote to me. In entertaining the notion of hell that has been a part of his religious tradition, I do not mean to imply that anyone is wrong who follows a different teaching about hell, or who simply does not accept the idea of hell at all.

Also, even though, like the writer of the letter, I am a Christian and therefore respond out of that faith experience which we share, I am not a “Christian imperialist.” This means that I do not exclude or discredit the religious experience of anyone who happens not to be a follower of Christ.


My response:

Your letter, addressed to Suicide Bereavement Support, was referred to me. I have agreed to respond with this initial letter to the important issue that you have raised, but also to be in further dialogue with you, if this is your desire.

I certainly will not presume to issue a final or authoritative word on this or any subject. But you have raised a genuine question that needs to be struggled with in every generation, and by everyone who has faced the depth of personal pain that has been a part of your life for almost 20 years.

I appreciated the final declaration in your letter when you said, “My wife and I will not stop loving our son and abandon him to hell!” My immediate response was to recall the similar words of the psalmist’s prayer which are reiterated in Acts 2:27:

For you will not abandon my soul to Hades,
Or let your holy one experience corruption.
You have made known to me the ways of life;
You will make me full of gladness with your presence.

The author of the book of Acts quotes this psalmist’s prayer in support of the resurrection of Christ, but Paul makes clear in 1 Corinthians 15 that Christ’s resurrection is only the first fruits of a general resurrection in which “all [who have died] will be made alive in Christ.” (1 Cor. 15:22).

Having experienced the forgiveness and mercy of God in my own life, I am not willing to allege, as some apparently have, that your son is not also included in the ALL of the above promise. Indeed the scriptures abound in assurances that God goes to great lengths to cover all our mistakes and forgive all our sins. For example:

The Lord is gracious and slow to anger
And abounding in steadfast love
--Psalms 145:8

The Lord upholds all who are falling,
And raises up all who are bowed down.
--Psalms 145:14

The Lord is . . . patient with you, not wanting anyone
to perish, but all to come to repentance.
--2 Peter 3:9

But what about the reality of hell? The scriptures seem to take seriously the notion of hell and therefore so must we. Hell seems to be a way identifying the consequences that issue from our mistakes—extending this not only to the suffering that we experience in our lives because of our missteps but continuing into an after life as well. But nowhere is it suggested that God’s love cannot reach into hell and rescue those who are so encumbered. 

It may be necessary, as you suggest, to preach about hell from time to time. But none of us is in a position to suggest that certain persons are damned to remain in hell without relief. Moreover, to use hell as a threat to try to coerce belief and particular behaviors is, I believe, unbiblical. People are brought into redemption not by the threat of hell but by the message of the grace and love of God in Christ Jesus. And no one, including your son, is excluded from that love and grace. An old hymn from my childhood poses this provocative question:

Are you able to remember, when a thief lifts up his eyes
That his pardoned soul is worthy of a place in paradise?

I personally am able to remember, and I appreciate this reminder whenever I am tempted to condemn anyone whom God loves. And I truly believe God loves your son!

So, to answer your question, YES. I am willing to stand with you and your family in continuing to love your son, and in trusting that even his violent death by his own hand cannot separate him from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord (see Romans 8).

If you would like to discuss these things further please don’t hesitate to call me at 503-281-3697,
or contact me by email at john@tearsoup.com 

Questions or comments? Please contact the author
Rev. John Schwiebert at john@tearsoup.com 

POETRY – 

This World is not conclusion;
A sequel stands beyond,
Invisible, as music,
But positive, as sound.
- Emily Dickinson


THE OTHERS
By Thom Hogan

A teardrop fell in the forest today.
Where it fell the parents know the way.

The pain of grief to the mothers,
Is a pain that is unknown to the others.

And a father’s grief,
To the others is brief.

Sadness is no good the others will say.
Move on, let go, tomorrow is another day.

Life is too short to linger in pain.
But our lives will stop again and again.

A teardrop fell in the forest today.
Where it fell we know the way.

In honor of Danielle Lynn February 25,2002

BOOK REVIEW – 

HOW CAN I HELP, PAPA? 
A Child’s Journey through Loss and Healing

By Elissa Al-Chokhachy and illustrated by Ulrike Graf

Elissa Al-Chokhachy offers us a handsomely and sensitively crafted book (hard cover) for children and the adults in their lives focusing on a child’s journey through the dying and death of a grandfather. The artwork is beautiful, colorful, and appropriate to text and theme. The story unfolds in warm, inviting ways to capture the heart of the reader and then give them lots of room and safety to unfold in ways that they must for their own grieving and healing. 

We see the natural curiosity of a child, the honesty of parents who share rather than hide (shielding the child) their feelings, and a family able to come together around a common love and a common loss. This book will be a wise counsel for children and a good resource to facilitate discussion.

Review by - Rev. Dr. Richard B. Gilbert, BCC
The World Pastoral Care Center, Resources Hotline
December 2001, v. 4, n. 29

For more information on this title, author & illustrator please visit:
http://www.worksofhope.com 

How Can I Help, Papa?
Copyright 2001 Works Of Hope Publishing
Original illustrations Copyright 1999 Ulrike Graf

HELPFUL LINKS - For Parents And Professionals

National SHARE Office
http://www.nationalshareoffice.com/  
The National SHARE Office is a non-profit organization and the hub for all SHARE support groups around the country. If you are looking for an infant loss support group or the local SHARE group in your area, this is a good place to start. Site also has good information regarding parents’ rights and grief education.

A Place To Remember:
http://www.aplacetoremember.com/ 
Site includes a page for sharing, a remembrance book page, and a catalogue of products on-line. 
Site also includes a resource section. 

The Centering Corporation:
http://www.centering.org 
The Centering Corporation has a large online and mail order selection of bereavement titles and resources for your family.

The Triplet Connection:
http://www.tripletconnection.com/  
A non-profit organization for multiple-birth families. The Triplet Connection provides vital information to families, who are expecting triplets, quadruplets, quintuplets or more, as well as encouragement, resources, and networking opportunities for families who are parents of larger multiples.

For more bereavement sites and grief links please visit our Helpful Links Page at http://www.griefwatch.com/links.htm  

Tear Soup is one of the most helpful recipes for you and your family. 
Find out why. http://www.griefwatch.com/tearsoup/tshome.htm  

Want to learn more about Grief Watch? 
Please visit our website http://www.Griefwatch.com 

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